who deserves this
the pity in their eyes
the uncomfortable silences
the quick glances away
trying to explain myself
normal
so I am no longer
a concern
all I need
is to smell your sweetness
is to touch your soft new skin
to look in those eyes
and see my own
reflected back
I’m just left with
emptiness
and cards to explain
my grief
which does not go away
no one sees
this small tight pain
deep in my chest
squeezing my eyes
shut
how I wish
it would sprout wings
flutter away
no
it burrows
creating holes
creating leaks
creating emptiness
where like was supposed to be
and I am left
so hollow
trying desperately
to smile
for all those watching
all I want
is to bury myself
and cry
I’ve not been up to writing. Every time I think about writing, I see that post and.. blah. However Jeff has been pestering me to write again, so I figure I should. When I say I haven’t been writing, that’s not absolutely true. I have a paper journal that I sometimes write in. One night in June I wrote almost a dozen poems about feeling bummed and helpless. I started to think that since my sister can get up the courage to put her poetry up on her blog… I guess I can too. They’re really awful, so I warn you now. Of course you won’t see this until after you read my stuff, so maybe I should warn you after too. 🙂
BTW, I’m doing better, but then I get to thinking about it, or I see a very pregnant person and I get all melancholy. Its interesting though, if I have to let someone I haven’t seen in a while know about it I feel like I need to console them and let them know its okay. Maybe that’s the public servant in me, needing to make sure that everyone’s okay.
I wrote this one for someone special that’s going through some hard times. She’s been really down and calling me constantly, which is okay, because I hope that talking to me helps. I love her a lot and I hope she’s not annoyed at me…
she is lost
in thoughts she cannot
control
she is frightened
to open her eyes and see
the future
she is concerned
for those who have already
left her behind
she is reminded
that in order to be happy
she must let go
she is strong
yet she doesn’t know that
her greatest strength
is her mind
she is afraid
that maybe she’s already
moved on and forgotten
that
she didn’t want to let go
April is the month that we celebrate poetry… unless I get mistaken and start it in the middle of March.
Anyway, I’m going to have a “blog only” poetry contest for the kids, and I wrote them this poem as an example of what they can do:
turtle in the sun
dances on the warm rock face
be still, you may fall!
Then later on, I wrote this poem. I like trying to string haiku together. Although that probably doesn’t follow the form strictly. Oh well. It is a little sad and depressing, which I’m not really except when I hit those patchy moments. Okay so maybe there’s quite a few of those moments, but who’s counting? Not I!
Here it is:
sitting with no smile
I am alone, pondering
why I am alone
they walk past and and stare
seeing the strange girl, sitting
still they say nothing
I cannot ignore
the pain and grief within me
no one there to tell
the night grows colder
surely someone will help me
the road is empty
the fierce cold takes me
until the pain has left me
I am gone for good
I just feel so sad.
I don’t really know how to explain it. I just feel so weary and useless. I try to hide it from people, but sometimes, I think my sister sees it. Or my mom. It’ll go away again, but its always there in the background. It makes me feel so weak. I feel this way now. There are so many things I should be doing. So many things that I need to do. But I just can’t. I feel so tired and weak. So alone. And I don’t think that there’s anything I can do about it. I can’t really tell anyone. My feelings are so very small in the grand scheme of the world. I know people that have had loved ones die, have had cancer, have had awful things happen to them. What’s happened to me? Nothing. I should feel really happy. But sometimes, I just can’t. I know that Jeff tells me not to get sad. But sometimes it just doesn’t work that way. I just get so tired and bleary.
small speck.
doesn’t really matter.
no one need bother.
no one sees it.
except me.
I see it. I feel it.
its this tiny dark speck in my heart.
burning and aching.
but there’s nothing to be done about it.
I must live alone with this burden.
Try to be strong.
Though it weighs me down so.
It hurts and makes me weak.
No one wants to know.
I can’t let them know.
They will hurt me more.
Break me.
♥
I am floating
weightless
In my mind
♥
a smile, slight
a smile, tender
a smile, just right
♥
a warm hand
touches my back
taking the pressure away
♥
there is no song and dance
no pretense to perform
only friends, sharing silence
♥
♥
I am floating
weightless
In my mind
♥
a smile, slight
a smile, tender
a smile, just right
♥
a warm hand
touches my back
taking the pressure away
♥
there is no song and dance
no pretense to perform
only friends, sharing silence
♥
sometimes
I do not know
who I am
I am a child
giggling
and foolish
I am floating
bits and pieces
never whole
I am the wind
rustling leaves
but always invisible
I am frightened
of my mind
how it changes
I am the old woman
muttering incoherently
bent over in pain
I am the clutter
in your mind
muddying and muddling
I am worried
always worried
of being alone
I am a pattern
broken
sometimes
I do not know
who I am
I am a child
giggling
and foolish
I am floating
bits and pieces
never whole
I am the wind
rustling leaves
but always invisible
I am frightened
of my mind
how it changes
I am the old woman
muttering incoherently
bent over in pain
I am the clutter
in your mind
muddying and muddling
I am worried
always worried
of being alone
I am a pattern
broken